This Feels Familiar
by midnightjen
Summary: It's funny, that it would be Sean of all people to make her realise lying could ruin everything. Prequel to You Can Never Go Home Again.
**a/n:** After finishing You Can Never Go Home Again i immediately wanted to spend more time playing with the little family i'd created with Nick, Adalind and their kids. This is the first in a series of one-shots building up to the events in You Can Never Go Home Again and serves the duel purpose of helping me vent some of my frustrations with the writers and the direction they're taking Adalind and Nick's relationship. Enjoy this little glimpse at one way i'd like to see their relationship progress.

 **This Feels Familiar**

 _This feels familiar._

Her anger at Sean for making her believe he knew where they could find Diana had blinded her to pretty much everything else he'd said until she was in the car with Kelly safely buckled in and three quarters of the way home. She didn't actually remember much of the drive to that point because she was busy fuming. At Sean, sure, but also at herself for believing for one minute that he would ever just give her a straight answer.

It was only when she took a moment to calm down at a red light that the words he'd said came back and smacked her in the face with all of the force and subtlety of a truck.

 _This feels familiar._

Those were the words he'd said when he'd realised her powers were coming back and Nick didn't know. When she'd asked that he please not tell Nick he'd seemed more amused, perhaps even annoyed. And he'd made that comment.

 _This feels familiar._

The words rolled around in her head for the remainder of the drive home and they stayed in her head, played on a loop as she went about her normal daily routine.

 _This feels familiar._

The words bounced around inside her head as she folded all of Kelly's clothes. Then her own and then when she set about ironing some of Nick's shirts it was like the only words she could think were those three that Sean had spoken.

 _This feels familiar._

They followed her through every step of making dinner and they haunted every moment she waited up worrying about Nick traipsing through the woods after a lycanthrope.

Because only Nick could possibly find himself hunting a werewolf on the full moon.

 _This feels familiar._

She thought over what they meant and why they'd stuck so forcefully in her head all through the next day and so she didn't notice how distracted Nick was. Any other day and she'd have been worried by how trapped he seemed to be in his own thoughts, worried that he wasn't telling her things or that he was about to kick her and Kelly out.

Actually, she worried herself so much over it that she couldn't remember anything they talked about over dinner and found herself lying beside him in bed, wide awake and staring at the ceiling as she'd seen him do when he couldn't sleep.

She was doing exactly as Juliette had done when she'd become a hexenbiest. She was hiding the truth from Nick and for what? The hopes that suddenly it would just go away? That Rosalee would pull a solution out of nowhere when she already knew there wasn't one?

Did she really want to make the same mistakes Juliette had made? Because Nick had loved Juliette and look how well that had turned out. Most days, Adalind wasn't even sure Nick liked her; she sincerely doubted he would ever love her and certainly she didn't see he would ever be able to overlook her lies and that she'd been keeping things from him. Especially when he'd admitted he had no idea what would happen when the suppressant wore off.

Would it make a difference? If she'd told Nick the truth from the beginning, if she'd shared her thoughts and fears from the get go, would Nick have been more accepting? Could they have found a way to make this work if she hadn't lied to him?

Was it lying to him? Would he understand how terrified she was that he would leave? That when the hexenbiest truly came back he would kick them out? Would he take Kelly away from her as he had done with Diana? Even if the circumstances were hardly the same, would he still feel taking Kelly would be safer?

And what if Kelly turned out to take after her and not Nick? What would he do then? She knew Nick loved Kelly, actually adored him, and he was a great dad, always ready to help out when he was home, wanting to be there for every moment of Kelly's life.

She was afraid, she realised that. Not only of what Nick would do but also of what _she_ would do when her powers finally came back in full. That's what she was really worried about. She knew Nick well enough to know that he really would carry on with things the way they were if her powers came back and it didn't affect their day-to-day life.

He was like Rosalee in that respect. He truly believed she'd changed and that because of the changes she'd made she could be a loving, caring hexenbiest and not the selfish uncaring person she'd been when they first met. Both Nick and Rosalee believed she had changed and that those changes, not just those she'd made to herself but to the life she had and the people she surrounded herself with, would make her a completely different hexenbiest from the one she'd been before.

But by lying to Nick didn't that mean she was just the same hexenbiest she'd always been? Didn't that mean she was prepared to lie and manipulate to get what she wanted now just as she had then?

Adalind didn't want to be that person anymore, she'd taken a lot of steps to make sure that didn't happen. So why was she letting something they'd always known was going to happen shake her so much?

The ceiling didn't have the answer but she thought she knew, thought she'd always known.

She liked who she was and she liked the circle of friends she was building. She loved the family she and Nick were building even if it wasn't exactly conventional. It meant more to her than she really knew how to put into words that Nick had taken her in and made sure she was safe from the very moment he'd learned she was pregnant with his son.

That was the kind of man she wanted her son to grow up to be. She wanted him to grow up knowing his dad was a good man who surrounded himself with good strong people. Look at Monroe, how he'd managed to put the violence and traditions of his family behind him to start a fresh life without hunting other people. What about Rosalee who had overcome her addiction and had managed to make something wonderful of her life?

Adalind was terrified that lying to Nick would mean she didn't get to see her son raised in such an environment. Nothing good had ever come from lying and manipulating and she did not want that to be the kind of home her son grew up in.

Kelly would not grow up in the kind of home she had, one where power had meant more than kindness and love.

Even if that meant risking her place in his life by telling Nick she'd lied. It was better now, coming from her than later coming from someone else. Right?

She knew he was awake, not why, but he breathed deeper and easier when he was asleep and, unless she found herself snuggling into his side in her sleep, he tended to roll onto his side once he'd drifted off.

'I lied to you,' she admitted and then frowned. Her voice hadn't been the only one to speak those words. She rolled over to look at him and found him doing the same. 'What?' They spoke again at the same time and Adalind felt the corners of her mouth twitch in amusement. It wasn't enough amusement to make her feel better and it certainly didn't lighten her mood.

Adalind didn't know if this was the best time (or place) for this conversation but she was sick and tired of Sean's words chasing around inside her head. And if Nick had lied to her too then maybe they needed to do this together, maybe they needed to be open with each other for once because she couldn't say lying to him had been the healthiest choice to make. Not if she actually wanted to start a relationship with him, not if she wanted anything close to what Rosalee had with Monroe.

 _This feels familiar._

'The suppressant is wearing off,' she said in a rush before he could speak.

'Okay.' Nick didn't seem to understand what the big deal was and it threw her. She'd been worrying constantly over what his reaction would be and he just said "okay".

'While you were in Germany.'

It was hard to read his expression in the dark but she didn't think he was as freaked out as he should be. Why wasn't he asking a million questions? Why wasn't he leaping out of bed to get away from her? Why wasn't he accusing her of keeping things from him?

'We did find the treasure.'

Apparently he wasn't springing a million questions on her because he'd lied to her as well, which, yes she should have been expecting given she hadn't been the only one to break the silence with those words but she was a little wrapped up in her own problems to worry what he'd been keeping from her.

She sat up, letting the blankets pool around her waist and after a moments hesitation he did too, pushing back against the headboard while she twisted around so they could have this conversation face to face while sitting up. He flicked on the lamp because there was no point being face to face if they weren't going to be able to read each other as well.

'What was it?' Adalind asked and then, 'Actually can we talk about that after we talk about my problem?'

'Is it a problem?' Nick asked cautiously and that threw her again. How could he even ask that question? Why wasn't he as terrified as she was that this could mean the return of the woman she'd been when they first met? Why was he being so fucking calm about this?!

He could obviously read in her expression how worked up this was making her because he reached out and took her hand, covering the closed fist she'd gripped tightly around the duvet. He so rarely reached out to her, always so hesitant given what any little touch could mean that her mind momentarily went blank.

'Why aren't you mad at me?' she asked in a whisper, when she could form a coherent thought. 'I kept this from you for weeks. Nick, I lied to you.'

'Okay,' he said slowly, not withdrawing his hand and she appreciated that he didn't, the contact was keeping her mind focused and stopping it from dissolving into a panicked frenzy. 'Why didn't you tell me?'

It was a perfectly reasonable question and one that should have a perfectly reasonable answer but how did she explain the tumult of emotions and thoughts that had been circling round and round inside her head for the past couple of weeks? How did she make him understand all she was afraid to lose when he didn't even really seem to feel much of anything for her most of the time?

'I like the person I am now,' she eventually tried to explain. 'I love this stupid "fome" and everything we've built here. I love you and I'm scared that when the suppressant wears off completely I'll be the old Adalind again.'

Once she started talking she couldn't stop, she told him how it felt to let the hexenbiest control you and how sometimes it was like that was the only way, that it just consumed you and dragged you along for the ride. She told him about realising the suppressant was wearing off and how it had taken breaking that old friend of Rosalee's fingers for her powers to come out.

She told him how much she liked the friendship she was building with Rosalee and how she'd never had that before and how she feared she'd do something to hurt Kelly or Nick and that she couldn't live with herself if she did and what if Nick had to kill her? Or he had to take Kelly away? What if he kicked her out?

She told him the million and one reasons she'd been so terrified to tell him what was happening to her and he just sat there and listened, face expressionless giving her absolutely no way to know what he was thinking. Eventually, she ran out of words and trailed off into tears of frustration and fear.

'You're an idiot,' Nick said when it was quite clear she'd run out of worries and fears.

The words stung and Adalind shrank away from him but he used the grip he still had on her hand to pull her back until she was a lot closer than she'd been originally, practically pressed against his side. She couldn't look at his face anymore, didn't want to see the way he was looking at her because what if he really did think she was disgusting? Hadn't he once made a comment about Sean being attracted to the hexenbiest? How could he ever love her when she had that inside her?

'When I was in Germany I told Monroe we slept together,' Nick began quietly telling her how that conversation had gone and how they'd talked about how much she'd changed and Monroe had made a comment of his own about how that was great as long as it lasted.

She lost a bit of the point he was trying to make with those words because she was surprised he'd told Monroe they'd slept together. She didn't think he'd want anyone to know, she hadn't even told Rosalee though – she'd been desperate for an opinion on the stupidity of the idea – because she didn't think Nick would want anyone knowing.

But he'd told Monroe. He hadn't hidden the strange closeness they'd developed from his best friend and that meant a lot to her. In Adalind's mind that said a lot about how seriously he was taking their relationship, whatever the hell it was.

'I think,' Nick hesitated and she had to turn to look at him because she was surprised by how serious he sounded, by how much thought he'd clearly given this. 'I think the fact that you're aware of how you used to be and how you have been recently will make all the difference.'

She wished she could believe him but when she opened her mouth to tell him it wasn't as easy as that he cut her off.

'I don't know much about how you grew up,' he told her, 'but I gather from the few things you've told me, that it was lonely. I know why you did the things you did and while that doesn't make it okay, it does mean I understand. Would you have tried to kill my aunt if Renard hadn't asked you?'

'No.' The question was easy to answer, if it hadn't been for Sean she wouldn't have gone anywhere near a Grimm, even one who was dying of cancer. She certainly wouldn't have gone anywhere near Nick, not when she didn't know he was nothing like his aunt. She would have assumed he'd happily kill her for simply crossing his path and stayed the hell out of his way.

'Adalind,' he was still speaking calmly and slowly, like he was carefully evaluating every word, every sentence he spoke. 'Trying to kill Marie and dosing Hank – and Wu – were things Renard had you do. Yes, you could have said no but you didn't care about my aunt or Hank and you,' he swallowed like he couldn't understand but managed to say, 'loved Renard and your mother. Everything that happened after that was a reaction. We're kind of both to blame, we didn't have to do half the things we did but that didn't stop us from trying to hurt each other.

'I saw how hard you fought to protect Diana and I saw what you were like with my mother. You might not see it, Adalind, but I do. I see those times you chose differently.'

'But you didn't trust me enough to tell me what you really found in that church?' She didn't like the way that felt like she was slapping all of his kind words back in his face but she didn't understand what was happening and she didn't feel like he understood, really understood what she was going through.

Nick sighed and finally dropped her hand. He didn't look away from her but he did scrub his hands warily through his hear. 'I want to trust you,' he admitted. 'When we're here and its just you and me and Kelly, everything's so easy. And then I remember how we got Kelly or I remember what happened to Juliette and how we both had something to do with that and its like I've just been kicked in the chest.

'When its just us and I don't have to think about all of the things we've done to each other, its easy but when I'm with Hank or Wu and I remember what happened to them or when I think about how they look at us it reminds me that there's so much bad between us.'

The idea that he was letting other people dictate (to a certain degree) how he felt and acted toward her kind of pissed her off. Did he not think she had to deal with that as well? Did he think she'd just put their past behind her and didn't think anything of it? Did he seriously think she wasn't aware of how Hank and Wu looked at her sometimes when they thought she wasn't looking?

Angry with him now, because anger was easier than being sad or hurt, she told him how it felt every time he went off with Monroe and Rosalee and she had to stay behind. She tried to put into words how lonely she was because she did see the way his friends looked at her. She tried to make him understand that while Rosalee was finding it easier and easier to be friends that didn't mean Adalind wasn't constantly fighting with the ghost of Juliette. It didn't mean she wasn't struggling constantly to prove she was worthy of that friendship.

'It's lonely,' she repeated, refusing to look at him again, refusing to let him see just how lonely it really was. Sometimes she went an entire week without leaving the factory because she didn't have anywhere to go. The highlight of her days was if Rosalee needed a hand at the shop or when Nick had the day off and she had someone to talk to.

'I didn't realise.' Nick sounded contrite and although it hadn't been her intention, it did strike her that this was the most honest either of them had been since, well ever.

They'd been tiptoeing around everything and avoiding the more serious topics because, she realised, they were both afraid to upset the peace they'd somehow managed to find.

That was hardly a healthy way to build a relationship.

Annoyed she threw the covers aside and got off the bed. She needed a drink and not to be sitting in the place where they'd had sex and she'd possibly pushed him too far. She shouldn't have been, but she was surprised when he got out of bed and followed her out to the kitchen.

'I don't know what it is exactly,' he told her as she grabbed a glass and started filling it from the tap. For a moment she had no idea what he was talking about but with her back to him he couldn't see her confusion. 'We had to dig down into this ancient church and there was this huge G made of glowing skulls pressed into one wall. We found a chest behind that, one that had been locked with the seven keys. There was a piece of wood wrapped in cloth in the box.'

'A piece of wood?' Adalind turned to look at him. 'That's it?'

Nick nodded. 'When we were trying to escape Monroe got bit, we didn't realise how bad it was until we were back in Portland. We were in the basement of the shop and he collapsed. That piece of wood, it healed him.'

'A piece of wood healed Monroe?'

Nick told her everything they knew about the piece of wood (which wasn't much) and about how they'd made the promise to tell no one. It hurt her that he hadn't felt like he could trust her enough to tell her when he got home but before she could really feel that hurt again, Nick apologised.

'I guess it never really occurred to me how much I run off with Monroe and Rosalee on the wesen cases Hank and I pull.' He looked at her for a long moment. 'I guess I'm only now realising that I never really took Juliette with me either, she just, she didn't have the trust issues the others have with you and so when she turned up and tried to help we all just kind of let her.'

That really did surprise Adalind. She'd just assumed that once Juliette knew about Nick's other job she'd been included in everything. It hadn't occurred to her that as someone who didn't know anything more about wesen than what she was told, Juliette hadn't been able to offer much to help with Nick's wesen cases she'd just been able to insinuate herself because he loved and trusted her and so did his friends.

'I didn't know that.'

'It was actually weird at first,' Nick realised. 'We had this one case where people were getting infected with this goo that essentially killed them and then made them into zombies.' He frowned. 'I don't even remember why Juliette was there but we were at the shop and she mentioned wesen in front of one of the victims. It was an honest mistake but I remember that I was kind of annoyed she was interrupting the rhythm I had with this victim and nearly blew the secret.'

'Oh.' She knew he was only telling her this to make her feel better (it did) but she got the impression it was helping him to see his relationship with Juliette in a new light.

'She didn't want me to become a Grimm again,' he said slowly, 'She was sick of what my being a Grimm brought into our lives but when Monroe and Rosalee were threatened by the wesenrein she changed her mind.'

That didn't surprise Adalind and she could imagine how different things would have turned out if Juliette had stuck to that way of thinking. 'Did you want that?' Adalind asked. 'Did you want a normal life?'

'At first,' Nick admitted. 'But then I realised how much I liked being a Grimm, how much I liked being able to see and deal with wesen.'

'I'm sorry I tricked you into sleeping with me and stealing your powers.'

Nick shrugged. 'I know but I'm not, not anymore. Maybe if we didn't have Kelly or had him another way, then yeah, I'd wish it hadn't happened but you were doing what you thought you had to in order to get Diana back.'

Just because she'd had a reason for doing it, didn't mean she couldn't wish it hadn't happened the way it had. She didn't like that the memory of how Kelly was conceived would always be tainted by her taking Nick's powers.

Surprising her for the hundredth time that night Nick grinned and said, 'Well I've got a real memory to replace it with now.'

It was the first time he'd ever brought up what had happened between them and the fact that he'd done it in such a light manner had hope blossoming in her chest. She couldn't help the small laugh that escaped her. 'That wasn't exactly my intention.'

He looked like he was going to ask what her intention had been but seemed to think better of it. That wasn't really a conversation she was ready to have, she'd bared enough of her soul to him for one night. She just hoped he understood that she hadn't expected anything from him in return, had actually been surprised as hell when he'd returned her kiss and matched her move for move.

'Come on,' he urged, pushing away from the counter. Apparently he wasn't done surprising her, because he held out a hand and said, 'let's go back to bed.'

Leaving the glass on the counter to deal with in the morning she took his hand and let him lead her back to bed. They'd been sleeping beside each other for months but for some reason she felt nervous climbing in beside him this time. Maybe it was because there were no secrets between them now, well she had no secrets from him, but something about this, about choosing to sleep in the same bed now felt different. It felt significant.

Still, she couldn't stop herself from asking, 'Are there other secrets you're keeping from me?'

She had to appreciate that he didn't answer her right away; he took his time and actually considered her question. She got that there were some secrets that probably weren't his to tell and she didn't hold that against him but she felt that all of the steps forward they'd made would be so easily undone if it turned out he was keeping more from her.

'We should probably talk about Renard and what he's up to but no, I'm not keeping anything else from you.' He paused and she knew what was coming next but she was distracted by the idea that Sean was doing something Nick thought might possibly fall under the category of a secret. 'Is there anything you're keeping from me?'

They were lying side-by-side, closer than they'd chosen to lie in a while and she was feeling relaxed for the first time in weeks and so she didn't really have to think about it when she answered, 'No,' with her eyes drifting closed.

They flew open a moment later though when she realised that actually there was something they needed to talk about. She rolled over, essentially rolling right on top of him and reached out to flick the light back on.

'Wait,' she said and fleetingly she couldn't help finding it adorable the way he flinched back from the sudden light but didn't from having her sprawled on top of him. 'I had coffee with Sean yesterday about Diana.'

'What?' Nick frowned and she got the impression he would have sat up again if she hadn't still been sprawled on top of him. He had to settle for gripping her hips – and she would absolutely focus on his words and not the fun way they fit together or the feel of his hands warm against her hips through her thin sleep shirt. Nick radiated heat, she'd discovered, he'd be wonderful when winter really set in.

'He called me a few days ago and said he might have a way to get Diana back but when I met him for coffee he didn't know much of anything – actually,' and she was mad again but this time not at Nick or Sean, 'he did tell me Meisner has some idea of what happened to her. He was in the helicopter that night, he's the one that threw the King out over the water.'

'Wait,' Nick said again. 'Meisner knows where Diana is? That son of a bitch.'

And he was really making it hard not to notice how well they fit together when he was being angry on her behalf that Meisner had kept something so important from her.

'I'll call him tomorrow,' Nick promised. 'I'll find out everything he knows.'

She kissed him. She really couldn't help it, it was just, there'd been no hesitation, no question, he'd just declared he would go and find out what he could about a child that wasn't even his because he knew how much it meant to her, how important Diana was.

He didn't seem against the idea of being kissed. He seemed quite happy to kiss her back and she wondered how far she could push him. Not that she would, not tonight. She'd just take heart from the fact that he tried to follow her to maintain the kiss when she pulled back.

They really were quite good at that. The sex had definitely been worth repeating.

'What about Sean?'

Nick took a moment to refocus on the conversation and not her lips. 'Eve came to see Hank and I at work yesterday,' he explained and told her everything Eve had told them and what she thought it could mean and what Nick thought of the whole thing.

'Why would Black Claw care about a mayoral race here in Portland?' It wasn't like they were a huge point of political power for the wesen world. Not like Austria was with the Resistance and what was left of the royal family battling for control.

'No idea,' Nick replied. 'And that's what worries me.'

It worried Adalind too because she didn't like the idea that Sean had approached her about Diana so soon after the assassination of Dixon by Black Claw. It reeked of the kind of political move the Royals loved to pull. Especially when she factored in the knowledge that Meisner had been in town for months and Sean had been surprised she'd known he was in town at all. Which meant either he didn't know the extent to which Meisner was involved in HW or, more likely, he hadn't realised how much of Nick's work (both police and Grimm) that she was aware of.

She found it highly unlikely, Sean had only just come by this information. If he'd know as much, known that Meisner could lead them to Diana and hadn't done anything with the information for months then she knew, absolutely knew without a doubt, that he was only telling her now because it served some other purpose.

Deep down, she'd always known Sean didn't care about anyone but himself and perhaps his mother but the realisation that that likely extended to his own daughter made her blood boil.

And totally killed the lamp.

She had to hand it to Nick; his first reaction was to roll them both away from the shards of glass and ceramic that exploded outward. He shielded her with his own body and for a moment she lay under him in the dark just breathing in and out in surprise. And then he made a joke and for the first time all night she realised they really were going to be okay.

'Well, I know you hated that thing…'


End file.
